It’s Colon Time Again

12-5-2022

It’s Colon Time Again

I guess when you get older than dirt a doctor will put you on “the list” of people who are “repeat polyp offenders” and I’m one of those guys. Unless you’ve undergone a colonoscopy you might want to scroll past this blog post. When my wife (who is younger than me) underwent her colonoscopy earlier this year she got a clean bill of health from the doctor who told her she no longer needed to get any more.

But first let me tell you about the “colon prep” procedures which have changed over the years. Initially I used to get this 3 gallon jug of a powdered substance I never knew the name, but had to drink it the night prior to my procedure, after a full day on a liquid diet. Another time they told me to purchase an enema 2-pack to help clean my colon out before the procedure. Some people opt for a hand full of pills to do the same thing, and that is what I asked for. I was told to go to the local drugstore and purchase OTC a 328mg bottle of Muralax and a package of Ducalax pills.

At 4pm the day prior I was to take 4 Ducalax pills, at 6pm I had one hour to take a 32oz bottle of Gatorade with ½ of the Muralax powdered substance.  8 hours prior to my procedure I had 1 hour to take a second 32oz bottle of Gatorade with the other ½ of the Muralax powdered substance. In theory these concoctions would “clean out the colon” (did I say how I not like the taste of Gatorade.)

The morning prior I was to take nothing by mouth (food, water or anything) and report to the hospital at 6am to get checked in. My daughter drove her mom and I to the hospital and waited patiently until I was ready to be released so she could drive us home.

As I saw the doctor this morning and told him of my desire for no more colonoscopies he looked at me and said, “We’ll see” which as any parent knows means NOPE. Afterwards he came in and let me know how many polyps they removed and that we’re doing this again in 3 years.

After being wheeled into the operating room I remember asking the doctor why they don’t offer cappuccino-flavored gas to help me get my coffee fix. I let him know that I was going to stay awake as long as possible so I could check on them. The last thing I remember saying was to promise not to go wandering off………..

When I opened my eyes I was in the recovery ward, where there was no doctor. I saw some storage lockers and the same nurse who went with me into the operating room. She got me something to drink (cranberry juice and crushed ice) and as I became alert she helped me to the restroom where I then changed out of my one piece hospital gown.

I walked out to the car with my wife and daughter and on the way I mentioned all the breakfast foods I would like to eat after my 24 hour fast. We ended up going home to a breakfast of pancakes, eggs and ham and coffee. – RTM

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